Close friends have the funniest conversations; usually people would say that strangers are great conversationalist – I’m sure. Close friends have this level of privacy and barriers they have seen drawn by us and then they take that line and use it as a jump rope that twists in circular motion. Basically saying, they honestly don’t give a flying shit about how you like your eggs done or that you’ve had a lisp since you were in grade school because all that, doesn’t matter.
Walter and I went for a drive after our weekly cinema binge and as we ate our fries we discussed the ways we would be alright to die. My greatest fear are car accidents; my sister almost died last year having two accidents within an hour. Until now I still can’t manage to get my driver’s license. I always have these random flashes of how I could get stuck inside the car in the accident as the vehicle sets itself on fire. And so, cars was a big no-no for me. Walter however has thought about this before, he discussed the technicalities of the suicidal and death system and the intensity one would opt for.
Pills were an easy path, just pop ’em till you drop he said. Hanging yourself with a rope hurts and there is a possibility you would still be alive and struggling to survive which pretty much goes against the concept of death. And then he added on to how nasty car accidents were by saying that it would be terrible to go through the trauma and lose a limb yet still be alive in the process. Walter was always one of those weird kids; when it came to slitting wrists, I expected a natural refusal due to the physical pain it would cause the person but this boy is boy wonder indeed! He shared that of course it would damn right hurt if you slit your wrist that way – it cuts through the veins! (but of course!) Walter suggested that to be a successful slasher, one must cut along the veins, not through, to experience less pain.
This conversation went on for hours as we discussed gunshots to be very tricky, its better if you get shot directly at the heart or the brain that way, for sure you’ll be A-okay!
As I remembered this conversation with my old buddy, Walter, it has occurred to me that the way I die doesn’t really matter as much as the way I lived. It is an ever bothering dilemma as I seek this sense of calm in me that I tend to keep losing. The difficulty with the spirit is that you can never really hold it down unlike a body; it has a different mechanism. It’s not as direct or as easy to pinpoint its delicate spots. It doesn’t have divided organs that has a separate function to keep the body going. It’s just one thing.
I don’t want to lose my spirit, I just want to know how to make it alive again. Maybe Walter can discuss about this as we go for our jump rope sessions, wonder what technicalities and intensities would we discuss this time.