I would like to say I’ve changed – but I haven’t. Not close, probably even to worse rather than what everyone else would like to hear. In highschool, my tongue was known to be as blunt as a bat; I battled everyone with my words with out even stretching my arm to hurt because I made sure I mangled their spirit in more ways than one.
I look at myself at age 23 and life is alright, not something I can or should complain about. In fact, the only thing I should think of mangling is myself. At this age, we all try to find ourselves, a lot of us aren’t even close to it. We’ve lost ourselves in this gap of successes – graduation to a perfect job and awesome life (with or without being married). As I shuffle my feet in typing this blog, I wonder how many other poor souls have worn the same shoes I’m in and worn it out till their feet bled in continuation of a life unlived.
I was speaking to a good friend of mine, we are in two different time zones but always seem to be in the same zone in life some way or another. We talk about our heartbreaks and this time around, it’s not a boy. It’s the missing direction, the uncontrollable passion in us that we don’t know what to do with, the run that we’re still running but no finish line. It’s got to the point that we’ve burned out – guys, we are just in our twenties and can you believe it?! We are burned out.
Amidst are emotional rants and the imaginative parades, she says, “well, we need to fall apart.” That hit me, I haven’t heard that kinda phrase since I was 16 and was figuring out how to pray to a God. Perhaps she was right; we fight our fights now whether it be a stupid exam or a job you’re still unsure of or even a song you used to love fell out of touch – we will always fight our fights. That will never change, the victory dear friends is not at the end but rather in these very battles we’re in.
I wish my tongue was as blunt in its words when my heart and soul prays to the God I’ve always known. I wish when I pray, my hands don’t punch or clench but rather holds the hand of someone I love and tell them “everything will be okay”. We cannot change circumstance because it will always be there and its there to change us, melt our very spirits every single time and make sure we come back stronger.
Tonight and every night, let’s fall apart and run with hearts on fire.